Once upon a time, in a land far away, there lived a young girl named Lily. Lily had always dreamed of having her very own pony, but her parents couldn't afford to buy her one. One day, while exploring the enchanted forest near her house, Lily stumbled upon a hidden clearing. In the middle of the clearing, there was a beautiful golden chair. Intrigued, Lily approached the chair cautiously, not knowing what to expect. As soon as she sat on the chair, it began to shimmer and transform into a magical pony! The pony had a shimmering golden coat with a sparkling rainbow mane and tail.
“I always wanted the creatures to be amplified and heightened and not be too grounded because that’s the tone of the Onyx world. There might be an emotional grounding, but everything else is pretty amplified,” Andrew Bowser explains. “But I really didn’t picture all of those characters being puppets until I reached out to Adam Dougherty, the creature designer, to do the Beefy Bad Boy character. He read the script and said, ‘Well, why aren’t they all puppets?’ I said, ‘Well, I don’t know, Adam, because I hadn’t had you read the script yet.’ So he’s the one that said, ‘What if they were all puppets?’ And for the most part, they are.”
But I really didn t picture all of those characters being puppets until I reached out to Adam Dougherty, the creature designer, to do the Beefy Bad Boy character. But this film s success boils down to the comedy; extending a YouTube routine into a feature is a daunting feat, and ultimately Bowser s work here grows overlong before the third act.
As soon as she sat on the chair, it began to shimmer and transform into a magical pony! The pony had a shimmering golden coat with a sparkling rainbow mane and tail. Lily couldn't believe her eyes – she had finally found her very own pony! But this was no ordinary pony – it was a chair pony! Whenever Lily sat on the chair, the pony would come to life and take her on incredible adventures. They would soar through the skies, race through meadows, and explore magical lands that were beyond imagination.
Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls is a cringe comedy as overlong as its title
Andrew Bowser’s Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls is the rare movie that, from the very first scene, lets audiences know that they’re either going to love it or hate it.
Viewers familiar with Onyx, Bowser’s weirdo Satanist YouTube character, will likely fall into the former category; everyone else, flip a coin. Onyx’s misadventures are documented through skits and bits on Bowser’s 10-year-old channel, BowserVids, and you may benefit from browsing the library before tuning in for 100 minutes of the schtick. Then again, you may be feeling bold.
Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls is a locus for Bowser’s sense of humor and his fondness for a broad array of 1980s pop cultural ephemera: Saturday morning cartoons, Ghostbusters and The Goonies, Amblin Entertainment, Beetlejuice especially. His influences fall neatly in line with recent haunted house slapstick productions, too, like the Goosebumps films, and Eli Roth’s woefully underloved The House with a Clock in Its Walls – movies that don’t skimp on horror, but have an emphasis on lighthearted fun. But everyone has their own definition of fun. Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls might not fit yours.
Andrew Bowser stars as everyone’s favorite — or least favorite — Satanist internet character.
SundanceOnyx, real name Marcus J. Trillbury, dwells in his warlock’s lair, surrounded by an army of action figures, heavy metal posters, and other bric-a-brac to indicate his alignment with devilry. The lair, of course, is his bedroom in his mother Nancy’s (Barbara Crampton) house, and he’s a warlock the way pro gamers are athletes, meaning “not at all.” Marcus is a loser. He works a dead-end job at a burger joint, where he takes as much pride in his employment as possible. He gamely hides his loserdom, though, expressing himself in spectacularly purple language ending on rising intones, so even his loudest declarations of Satanic loyalty sound like he’s asking permission.
But Onyx has high aspirations. He’s entered a contest to meet his idol, Bartok the Great (Jeffrey Combs), a TV personality and elder statesman in the field of dark magics. In no time at all, Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls lets the viewer know the contest’s results: For once in his life, Onyx is a winner. Off he goes to Bartok’s mansion with his four fellow winners, Jesminder (Melanie Chandra), Shelley (Arden Myrin), Mr. Duke (Terrence ‘T.C.’ Carson), and Mack (Rivkah Reyes), likewise similarly motivated by the pursuit of evil for their own reasons, and each in their own ways.
Bartok has gathered the quintet to aid in a ritual that, if completed, will summon a demon and reward them all with power untold, but it’s made clear upfront that Bartok has a hidden agenda, and also that his succubus assistant Farrah (Olivia Taylor Dudley) doesn’t much care for that agenda. In all of this, Onyx himself is the naif. Bowser’s focus is on him, naturally; the marquee reads “Onyx,” after all. But his one-way fanboy relationship to Bartok renders him blissfully unaware of literally everything going on around him, good and ill, and likewise funnels Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls into a very specific kind of comedy.
Cringe humor is a broad style. You can start with The Office, either British or American, and arrive at, for instance, the work of Gregg Turkington and Tim Heidecker. Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls lies somewhere toward the Office end of that spectrum on account of Onyx’s painful obliviousness, but with the added effect of his manchild background. Nerdery is in, and has been for close to a decade, as comic books and Dungeons & Dragons have been reclaimed as mainstream-acceptable pastimes. But that doesn’t make Onyx himself, or the jokes Bowser sets up, widely palatable, and if the jokes don’t land for you, nothing else here will.
If the humor doesn’t land for you, Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls is not your movie.
SundanceBowser contents himself with Onyx being Onyx for about the first hour, and then pivots on an emotional axis with a tender moment between him and Mack, where the character’s squirrelly accent drops and he lets the real Marcus come out; it’s sweet, and honest, and frankly feels like Bowser speaking for a generation of men like Onyx (and possibly Bowser himself) who grew up lonely because their interests didn’t mesh with others’ interests. The moment lingers for the rest of Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls’ running time and, if you make it that far, even recasts the story preceding it. Friendship is a treasure.
Another treasure: The monsters and puppets and animatronics that pepper the film’s plot. What a joy to see physical critters on screen when it’s so damn easy to turn to CGI instead; a demon in a box, a growing army of ghouls, Farrah in her true form, Onyx as a cross between a Chip ‘n Dale’s Rescue Rangers character and Meat Loaf in the video for “I'd Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That),” recreated by Bowers and Dudley, all add tactile pleasure to Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls, an element worth savoring whether or not the gags tickle you. They have mass. They have presence. You feel like you can reach through the screen and touch them.
The sensation is delightful, and one of the best achievements horror cinema can strive for regardless of their secondary genre. Horror has to involve its audience on a primal level. The FX work in Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls hits that goal, and it’d be a waste if Bowser chose not to try his hand at making more monster movies in the future. But this film’s success boils down to the comedy; extending a YouTube routine into a feature is a daunting feat, and ultimately Bowser’s work here grows overlong before the third act. At 70 or so minutes, the foray into cinema might have landed better. At 148, it’s too much.
Onyx the Fortuitous and the Talisman of Souls premiered at Sundance on January 23.
- Movies
- Internet Culture
Who is Onyx the Fortuitous? You may know him as “Weird Gamer Guy,” “Weird Satanist Guy” or “Weird Arby’s Guy.” This week, the viral sensation officially becomes a movie star.
Lily and her chair pony became the best of friends. Together, they would spend hours exploring the enchanted forest, meeting talking animals, and unraveling mysteries. The chair pony would always protect Lily and keep her safe during their adventures. But the chair pony had a secret – it could grant wishes! Whenever Lily made a wish while sitting on the chair, the pony would make it come true. It could be anything from a small desire like a delicious ice cream cone to something big like finding a hidden treasure. Lily cherished her chair pony and the incredible adventures they shared. The magical bond between them grew stronger with each passing day. The chair pony taught Lily important lessons about bravery, friendship, and the power of imagination. Word of Lily's magical chair pony spread throughout the kingdom, and soon, many children wanted their own chair pony. Lily realized that her chair pony had helped her fulfill her dream of having a pony, and she wanted to share the magic with others. So, she invited children from all over to sit on the chair and make their wishes. The chair pony, true to its nature, granted each wish with a sparkle and a smile. The children were overjoyed, and Lily knew that she had made a difference in their lives. As the years went by, Lily grew older, but she never forgot her chair pony and the magical adventures they shared. The chair pony had brought so much happiness and wonder into her life, and she hoped that it would continue to do so for others. Lily's chair pony remained in the enchanted forest, ready to bring joy to any child who would come across it. It continued to grant wishes and take children on incredible adventures, spreading magic and happiness throughout the land. And even though Lily grew up and had many new experiences, she always cherished the memories of her beloved chair pony and the magical moments they shared. For in her heart, she knew that the chair pony would forever hold a special place – a reminder of the power of dreams and the magic that lies within us all..
Reviews for "Uncover the Secrets of the Chair Pony's Magical Design"
1. Jane - 1/5 stars - I found Magical Chair Pony to be a complete waste of time. The storyline was unoriginal and the characters felt flat and uninspiring. The entire concept of a magical chair pony just seemed ridiculous and not thought out. The writing was also subpar, with numerous grammatical errors and awkward sentence structures. Overall, I was extremely disappointed with this book and would not recommend it to anyone.
2. Mark - 2/5 stars - I had high hopes for Magical Chair Pony based on the reviews I read, but unfortunately, it didn't live up to my expectations. While it had some interesting concepts, the execution fell short. The pacing was uneven, and the plot lacked depth and coherence. Additionally, I couldn't connect with any of the characters as they felt one-dimensional and lacked development. The writing style was also average, failing to engage me as a reader. Overall, I was left feeling underwhelmed and dissatisfied with this book.
3. Sarah - 1/5 stars - I couldn't even finish Magical Chair Pony. It was one of the most poorly written books I've come across. The dialogue was stilted and unnatural, and the descriptions were overly simplistic. The author failed to create a compelling and immersive world, making it difficult to stay engaged. The story itself was predictable and unoriginal, offering nothing new or exciting. I truly regret wasting my time on this book and would caution others against picking it up.